Want it? Need it?

I signed up to this blog near the end of last year and promised myself I’d blog away. This would be one I would stick to for the year…..I had to google “free blog sites” because I forgot the name of this website… thankfully I was signed in as I do not remember my login nor password. After awhile I realised I didn’t like the interface of that website and came to wordpress instead. I remembered the login and password here though.

There’s something I have been wanting, have convinced myself that I need it and if these two requirements match up in my head, I HAVE to have it.

When I get frustrated because I can’t have it right now, I work harder to get it. The result is the same though, either I get it or I don’t. Growing up, my parents would buy me two toys a year, on my birthday and at Xmas. Growing up with my cousins who had a new toy every other day I felt this was unfair. New toys, the latest toys being waved in front of my face and brewing in jealousy, I once begged in the department store for a new barbie doll and cried. My parents left me by the entrance and drove off. I was three… and peed my pants. Highly due to the fact they told me I was picked off in the bin under the bridge (supported by dear cousins) and that bridge we drove past every week on the way to grandpa’s looked so dark. That was the first and last tantrum but that desire never left. I filled it with imagination, playground and could entertain myself for hours. In hindsight I am thankful because I learnt the value of things and patience.. I still have the toys and they’re so clean. My favorite bunny soft toy had many plastic surgeries but it’s still intact.

As a result, I would weigh and think twice before getting things I need and would convince myself those things I want are not needed. They would be replaced by things that “will do”. The side effect of this is that there are things I need and there are things I want that I should have. I’m overcoming that now. As much as I tried to hide it, I didn’t realise it was so obvious and have been really lucky to have the few rare people tell me it. It’s so easy for me to gift something, you may not need it nor want it but I want to give it. For myself though, it’s so hard to get it for me, no matter how much I want it, convincing myself that I deserve it is hard. The friends I have that buy themselves gifts for their birthday, post exams, post stress, xmas… I would envy them. It’s pretty silly cus… I could do it too, but I couldn’t. When I tried to suss out the cause there was a lot of factors, a lot that I couldn’t change due to circumstances then or simply that it’s the past. So, I’m working on it and am really thankful to those that are reminding me that it’s ok.

On a completely different note I caught up with a uni friend, one I would not have survived dental school without. She wasn’t sure about throwing out her old notes. I am a collector but I do love to throw. It’s a satisfying feeling to just chuck it. Old notes I haven’t read in years, old clothes, odd bits here and there. Being sentimental I keep all the letters and cards I have gotten but envelopes, accessories, scraps here and there gets binned. Such a satisfying feeling.

So this first post was actually to vent out about wanting something that I didn’t get due to my own fault… but it actually turned out really random. I don’t even know if there was a point made here. On my bedside table there lies a book that I will blog about tomorrow and maybe more.

Until then =)

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